As someone who is always the go-to person, who others seem to open up to easily about things, you are also the person who never speaks about themselves and is never asked how you are doing. I know the feeling, so I will be the one to say it to you: how are you doing? And when I say this, I mean how are you really. Usually when you are asked this you have a million worries come up in your head, but yet you say “I’m fine” because you know that the person asking you really does not want to engage in an actual conversation or that your worries and problems are not important and telling someone will just make you seem like you are complaining or cribbing, and you don’t want to put your “burden” on someone else because that will just drive them away.

As much as I would love to say that everyone who asks how you are actually means it, most do not. But that is nothing against you, they are just people who prefer small talk, talk to you for the heck of it or who are not as good active listeners as they are talkers. It did not take me long to realise this but what did take a while to learn was that just because some people do not care or do not want a conversation, does not mean that your problems are invalid. It also does not mean that you can never talk to them in fear that you are complaining.You feel this way because everyone goes to you about their problems in one way or another, and if you show weakness then you feel like you are letting everyone down.

I just think you should give yourself more credit where it is deserved. You are strong and beautiful, and confiding in someone is not showing weakness or burdening someone with your problems. You are human, and you cannot help people and take on their problems if you do not keep yourself healthy in the process. You do not have to talk about your problems all the time, as that does create a problem in blocking you from helping others, but knowing when it is the right time to vent or open up to someone you trust, will help you become mentally healthier so you can help the people who come to you.

Having even one person you can go to about things that are stressing you out will make your world a much lighter place to walk around in. I know it seems hard, but everything can be hard and if it is not, then that means it is not a lesson or you are not learning. Even I am just learning how to open up to a couple of people, but even though I am not completely open, what I am opening up about is making everything much easier to deal with, including being there for people when they need me.

So please be good to yourself, because you are not an inconvenience. Say what is on your mind. I promise that you are not in any way complaining, because you are finding a way to get through what you are going through, and you will become a stronger person from it. You are beautiful, smart, courageous, headstrong, trustworthy, and most importantly, human. So I will not be afraid to ask you, how are you doing, really?

From the girl who is – “Always There”

There is absolutely nothing wrong with losing it every once and a while. You don’t always have to be the strongest one all the time. You can have your share of bad days, and you shouldn’t have to feel guilty about having them. That happy face that you wear for people and the show you put on for them only makes it worse, doesn’t it? At the end of the day, the mask comes off, the curtain closes and you find yourself lying in bed, wide awake, staring at the ceiling and mind racing. The thoughts you’ve tried so hard to suppress all day come flooding back to you.

You don’t have to have everything together every hour of every day. Sometimes, you’re just one good cry from feeling better. Crying is not a sign of weakness and brokenness but an indication that you’ve been strong for too long. That’s how we know we’re human beings and not some tribe of experimental robots. There’s no shame in letting you fall apart, absolutely no shame. They say things fall apart, so better things can fall together. Maybe letting you fall apart will bring brighter and better days ahead. Maybe it’s not such a bad thing as you think.

You’re allowed to break down when you need to. Being strong is one of the toughest jobs out there. I know you make it look like you’re okay for the people around you, so you aren’t bothering them with your problems because you’re sure they have problems of their own. Put you first. You come first in your world and in your own mind. You can only take care of other people if you take care of yourself first. Remember you.

I agree that most of what I just laid out is much easier said than done. Once you allow yourself that time, it gives you an entirely new meaning to the concept of being strong. You are strong enough to fall apart, and you are strong enough to put yourself back together.

From the girl who hung her armour!

“The word ‘happy’ would lose it’s meaning if it were not balanced by sadness” – Carl Jung.

Life is not always easy. You get tired of fighting and faking a smile when your heart wants to cry and sometimes it’s exhausting to deal with with people who constantly try to burden you with a zillion questions on that one ineluctable emotion – Sadness!

Sadness is something that needs to be embraced, experienced and explored. We have claimed not to want it but its good to willingly dig into it when it’s served.When people think of living a positive life, they imagine life without any emotions under the category of negative – fear, anger, frustration, disappointment etc. But sometimes it is good to allow ourselves to feel what we are feeling. It is believed that sadness holds happiness back and if we remove sadness totally, happiness will come skipping back. Well, that’s not how it works.

Sadness comes because at some point there is so much happiness. It is terrible to experience being sad but it is also a beautiful thing. This sadness comes as a result of being happy with someone or something, of having had an experience which was so astounding that you didn’t want it to end. There is a beauty even in the hardest times and one should value whatever needs to be felt. Rather than holding back , let sadness flow freely.

Don’t be ashamed on your gloominess. You are experiencing it for a reason. Allow yourself to put a spotlight on it, let it penetrate through you and finally, accept it for what it is. Without setting sadness free , it remains trapped inside us flapping about like a bird in a cage. This beauty might be elusive at first but don’t let it fool you – It is there and always has been. Sadness is sometimes purposeful, mandatory and often a result of mourning for what was or what could have been.

But like every beginning has an ending, one should know the way to bring oneself back to now. Direct you attention to things that make you mirthful , excited and raise your spirits. While experiencing sadness is essential to living a positive life, dwelling in it is not. One should know that when negative emotions cross paths, it is often an occurrence of one’s attachment to the past or future.

I have always been an extremist which is why this lesson is hard for me to learn. I always thought it is essential to be happy or sad, no grey areas, never realising that it is important to have a balance, never understanding an overindulgence in any emotion can turn positives into negatives. I know now, that sadness or any other emotion should be allowed or incorporated in one’s life – in adequate quantity, as avoidance is the key to unhappiness.

On that note, there is always something beautiful in reveling in sadness!

It isn’t very easy to put everyone before yourself. You are taken advantage of most times and you forgive them all because you are ‘nice’. You think that because you’re nice, you can’t do what is best for you because it might hurt someone, they might hold a grudge and then you are manipulated into feeling culpable.

But that is not how it works. People aren’t nice. They do what is best for them without giving a second thought unlike you. They hurt you and walk away as if nothing happened. And there you are, DOOMED. Those are things you cannot do. You cannot be selfish, inconsiderate, mean, narrow, self centred, greedy, self seeking or out for number one. Your heart is seven times big and never shows any signs of shrinking.

It is not in you to stop caring about others. Karma is your accomplice who constantly keeps telling you – Be who you are. There aren’t enough people out there like you. Hang in there and keep doing your bit. Sometimes it is good to be in charge of yourself. It is human to load yourself with things that are good for ‘YOU’, that acquaintance you forgot about while you were busy worrying about the whole world.

It isn’t a crime to stick up for yourself.  I used to believe that saying ‘NO,NIX,NAY’ is wrong and that I wouldn’t be able to look into the mirror eye to eye. After everything life put me through, I still chose to remain soft. A lot of people thought of it as my weakness and made it an excuse to walk over me. I sat down, rationalised and turned things to myself – I might be the reason or I deserved it.

People don’t know the meaning of reciprocation, they forget all your good over one bad you do, without analysing why you did what you did. They all knew you were ‘nice’, then what made you do something so scrimpy and mingy. Everyone has their own reasons, just like they had when they chose to take advantage of you for being simpatico and take you for granted.

Maybe it’s time to focus on ‘ME’. I am not here to take responsibility of everyone’s feelings all the time. I cannot fill others up when my own cup is empty. I owe myself the same kind of love, kindness and everything that I always gave everyone else. I am not a reflection of those who cannot love me. The way people treat me is not what defines me. What makes me who I am is the courage to love boldly and care deeply and I won’t let anyone take that away from me.

Note to self – I’m gold but people prefer silver sometimes, and it is OK.

 

I see myself under covers with swollen eyes and nose as raw and runny as a broken heart. I feel like a zombie. Numb and hollow inside. My shoulders have dropped and I’m a wearing an Icard that says “walking dead”. 7 years of playing a role of a wife, companion, daughter in law, sister in law and most importantly a mother, today Im no one – Just a woman!

I always fought against situations, people and myself for the last 32 years but for some reason I find myself incapable of fighting this person inside me who is a down and out and I want to tell her ‘move on’. The guilt, embarrassment, anger, sadness and depression of not being a part of someone’s life who I called my own, who loved me, who gave me our son and also who left me alone is something I am incapable of coping with.

I see no road ahead of me because my teary eyes are making my vision blur and I am literally brain dead.Will I be like this for the rest of my life or move on with the fact that I need to seek permission to see my own blood? There is a confusing mix salad of emotions that is so difficult to overcome.

My day starts and ends with this self sabotaging chatter in my head and all it is does is f***s up things. My best friend – read tears and me, Netflix, a wet pillow and food just to survive is the new way of life.The I-pod is playing 100 best sad songs of all time instead of Peppa Pig, my wardrobe is the same jeans for a week and different or maybe the same t-shirts instead of hot pants and stilletoes because who cares. I washed my hair twice and did not condition it and now I have a knotted nest on my head. I look in the mirror to see if I look anything close to what I looked like last week when I was all decked up and honestly all I can see is a reflection of a fool.

It’s all over, the house I made with my own hands and packed it up too, I can barely hear myself, forget talking to someone on the phone.This whole wrap up had left me dispirited, heavy hearted, woeful, dejected, cheerless and all possible synonyms one can think of depression. As melancholy as it sounds I hate the “new me”!!!

Note to self : They will always be in my life even if Im not in theirs. Those two boys out there will always complete my broken circle of love.

 

 

 

Thanks for joining me!

Good company in a journey makes the way seem shorter. — Izaak Walton