I see myself under covers with swollen eyes and nose as raw and runny as a broken heart. I feel like a zombie. Numb and hollow inside. My shoulders have dropped and I’m a wearing an Icard that says “walking dead”. 7 years of playing a role of a wife, companion, daughter in law, sister in law and most importantly a mother, today Im no one – Just a woman!
I always fought against situations, people and myself for the last 32 years but for some reason I find myself incapable of fighting this person inside me who is a down and out and I want to tell her ‘move on’. The guilt, embarrassment, anger, sadness and depression of not being a part of someone’s life who I called my own, who loved me, who gave me our son and also who left me alone is something I am incapable of coping with.
I see no road ahead of me because my teary eyes are making my vision blur and I am literally brain dead.Will I be like this for the rest of my life or move on with the fact that I need to seek permission to see my own blood? There is a confusing mix salad of emotions that is so difficult to overcome.
My day starts and ends with this self sabotaging chatter in my head and all it is does is f***s up things. My best friend – read tears and me, Netflix, a wet pillow and food just to survive is the new way of life.The I-pod is playing 100 best sad songs of all time instead of Peppa Pig, my wardrobe is the same jeans for a week and different or maybe the same t-shirts instead of hot pants and stilletoes because who cares. I washed my hair twice and did not condition it and now I have a knotted nest on my head. I look in the mirror to see if I look anything close to what I looked like last week when I was all decked up and honestly all I can see is a reflection of a fool.
It’s all over, the house I made with my own hands and packed it up too, I can barely hear myself, forget talking to someone on the phone.This whole wrap up had left me dispirited, heavy hearted, woeful, dejected, cheerless and all possible synonyms one can think of depression. As melancholy as it sounds I hate the “new me”!!!
Note to self : They will always be in my life even if Im not in theirs. Those two boys out there will always complete my broken circle of love.
thoughts by N 